Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
