I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
