just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
