i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
