my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You're like the curious george of whores
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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