Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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