Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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