you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
