Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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