Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
