So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I did not marry a roomba.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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