Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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