What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
