so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Randomize
