I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So. Much. Porn.
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