guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
