i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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