This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
