if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
