I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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