Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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