I got chris browned last night
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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