If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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