there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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