The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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