i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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