3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
