i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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