see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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