i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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