Only a mothe r could love this liver
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
