My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
