why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
