I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
