At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
