i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
