so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
