I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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