He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
