so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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