I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
