i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize