i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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