omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
