No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
