So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
