those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
