i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
