I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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