let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
