Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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