I never want to see another naked old woman again.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
