I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
