I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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