my phone needs a breathalizer
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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