you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
