guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
