dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
