burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is Oprah even human
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
