Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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