on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
