i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
